for anyone who thinks they aren’t worth it….you are.
for anyone who thinks they aren’t worth it….you are.
Since being laid off I no longer have insurance which means something incredibly detrimental to me….no more therapy no more psychiatrist. with out my medication and therapy its just crazy town. I know you don’t know me and I know that I look like a bafoon for asking but if you are on a strict diet of psychotropic medications you will understand the fear and anxiety I am experiencing. I have racked up quite the bill with my psychiatrist who has been working with me but I am afraid that his generosity is running out as is my therapist. If you can afford a dollar or a penny please hit the donate button you will see below…. you have no idea the blessing this could be.
I started the valium taper on monday and figured I’d document the detox from my other benzo’s. The first night was horrid, the valium helped, don’t get me wrong but I didn’t fall asleep until about 5:30 in the morning. I have realized that I have to re-learn how to fall asleep naturally. I am so use to taking something and 15 min later…out like a light. It was tough but I made it. Yesterday I had a much easier day but as night time came so did the anxiety and I found myself in this constant pattern of thinking. ‘oh man, I feel rough, I need to take a benzo. NO no you are fine just wait until your next dose of valium. But I’m so scared I’ll have a panic attack. You can do it just calm down…” This went on for well over 6 hours until It was time to take my dose and I fell asleep. I guess the sleep deprivation from the night before helped because I slept hard last night and woke up well rested and incredibly proud of myself for making it through with out taking any of my benzo’s. Today has followed almost the same pattern. I had therapy this morning at 10. My shrink is in a new office. I like it, it’s much brighter, cleaner, overall a better choice. It was good to get in there and unload. I hadn’t been in 3 weeks since I was out of town. I have remained fairly preoccupied this evening so I wouldn’t have the same focus on my anxiety. I went for a 45 min brisk walk through the park and have been catching up on a tv series I really enjoy called Face Off. When the anxiety got really bad I took a benadryll. So far so good. Now it is almost bed time, I am so weary, and ready to make it another day. I think I just might be able to pull this off *knocks on wood*.
It has been a long an arduous battle with my anxiety. I have lost so much weight. From 158 to 144… I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I have been prescribed benzodiazepines for anxiety since I was 15. Unfortunately this past couple of months I have gone from taking them as needed to every day. On the wonderful world wide internet I found something called the valium taper. Please, let me explain. You see, .5 mg of xanax is equal to 5 mg of valium accept valium has a half life of 100 hours…(rediculously long right!?) where as xanax has a half life of 8 hours. So what you do in cahoots with your doc is tell him how much xanax you are taking (or what other benzo) and turn it into valium. The point being, it is much easier to wean off of a long lasting benzo than a fast acting one. So I am taking 20mg valium qid (four times a day) for 4 weeks, then 3 a day for four weeks and so one until I don’t have to take any at all. Now I will still have the xanax for those horrid nights of flashbacks and days of crippling anxiety but the point is I will be back in control of them and not the other way around. So let the Taper begin. I am, expectedly so, incredibly nervous. I have tried to wean on my own before and the withdrawal is no joke. Not sure if you know this or not but alcohol and benzos are the only two things you can die from withdrawal due to seizures. But I feel much more capable with the support of my doctor. The fact that he didn’t judge me, call me an addict, and listened to me made all the difference. He is a great guy.
Another thing on my mind has been this fucking day light savings. I absolutely hate the night. hate hate hate it. And its getting dark at 5:15pm….soon that will be 4:30. Fucking hell. Bring out the SAD lights. I suppose I will blog more frequently. I haven’t anything better to do.
It’s been some time since I’ve been around. I haven’t any good reason. Just laziness I suppose. My new job is going splendidly. But I’m writing about something a bit darker tonight. You see, I have always been able to self assess. To think to myself man I don’t feel so good, wonder whats bothering me? ah! yes that is it! now I will do some CBT on myself and on we go…. But lately that hasn’t been the case. I seem blocked…blocked from myself. It’s a strange concept for me to wrap my head around. I can self diagnose and treat in a heartbeat. Hell, it’s what all that money for therapy went toward. But the past few weeks something has been on my mind. Something incredibly detrimental to my emotional well-being and career. It literally penetrates ever facet of my life. Friends when I writer this the shame that spills forth is overwhelming but I am literally consumed from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed with one thing and one thing only…. Dilaudid. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it is a pain killer, better than morphine and It happens to be my drug of choice. It is the only one I will inject. And it’s all I think about. I sit here and I start to self assess. What is going on inside. Am I feeling stressed with work. With my relationship. Finances…. and I can’t come up with an answer. Sure there are little pressures here and there but nothing that would cause me to want to go back into that world. And I mean NOTHING. I have analyzed this thing forwards, backwards, and side to side. And I got nothin. So of course then my mind moves on to the treatment aspect of this…compulsion we will call it. Should I go to NA meetings… well last time I did that all I did was scope out the people who were there because the courts sent them and ask them for their source so that’s out. Do I turn to my friends…..? Well I haven’t got many of those that are close and what the hell would they say… “ummm don’t do it.” yeah no shit. Compulsion really is the perfect word for it. I don’t feel like it is just an urge. It feels like it is something that needs to be done. That must be done. That I won’t be able to take a deep breathe until it is done. Rational thinking goes out the door and it is all consuming….
But alas…here I am, fighting the good fight. Smiling and doing the best I can to coach others how to be sober, productive, independent. The ultimate hypocrite. It is no secret that when I write these posts the emo side of me comes out. Everything starts to sound like a depressed 15 year old version of myself. But if there is one thing I learned in therapy it’s that one should never EVER judge their feelings, or hold them back for fear of other people judging them. We have these feelings for a reason and keeping yourself from experiencing them will….well it will just fucking ruin you from the inside out. Authenticity my dear friends…that is key. and I mean authenticity with yourself. I haven’t the slightest clue where to go from here. I suppose all I can do is ride it like a wave, wait for it to pass….I guess I’ll just wake up tomorrow and see where I am.
So, my new adult job starts on Monday. I am so hugely and wonderfully excited but sooo nervous and scared. I mean dear lord the list of “responsibilities” is damn near 2 pages long! I know I can do this…but I am terrified. That is an understatement. Just to give you a little glimpse of my neurotic anxiety about this position I have been practicing none other than…you guess it! SPELLING. I am a horrid speller and a huge part of my job is writing out treatment plans and progress notes. It was the only part during the interview I felt concerned about. I don’t want to hand in a progress note on a client with a simple word like “disheveled” misspelled. (and yes I could not spell that word until a couple days ago.) I am just so afraid I will fuck something up. I mean I know I am going to make mistakes but I mean fuck up on a deeper level. Like, what if I subconsciously ruin this for myself. This is real people…There is so much joy in getting this job but they kinda don’t tell you about the terror of your first adult job. I mean, I have worked at a proper job before. I was a Mental Health Tech at a psychiatric facility for a year. And that was a real job but this….this is salary, bonus’, benefits, independent living kinda job. I have never gotten a job and then had to wait to start. It’s always been OK thanks for interviewing on Thursday we will see you Monday. This was “thanks for interviewing, you will start two weeks from today” I have enjoyed my two weeks but now that it is coming to a close It is all sinking in. Business clothes, women’s suits and heels and make up and my own desk….whoa. I am determined to do well at this job. It’s just that it means so much you know. This job means freedom to me. It means being able to support myself without the assistance of others. It means being able to lease a car, pay of debts, and do what so many people in my life have said I am meant to do. This, my friends, means life. I’m ready for it….really I am. But one can be ready and terrified at the same time ya know….and I am.
At the same time I am incredibly burdened by my significant other. He really is doing absolutely nothing with his life. He is wasting away. I want so badly for him to find another job he loved like he loved the last one and be happy. I want that for him because he has so much to offer. I feel sorry for him and I typically do not because we all make our own choices. I am just so sad for him, for his life. I know what it is like to be him and have been him so long and now that I have this drive to be productive I want him to have it. I want him to have the opportunities I have. I feel so lucky to have the opportunities I do because I haven’t even finished my bachelor’s degree yet. And he has. He could be doing all the things I am doing but getting paid more. yet he can’t get out of bed to do them… I am truly saddened by this. I love him so much. And he has been good to me and patient with me when I have fallen into the familiar bed of 18 hour sleeping days and insomnia at night. depression and anxiety. But something has got to give for us to continue being connected. Because I am moving forward and not looking back.
I had an interview for my first big girl counseling job. It was so terrifying. I was at a large round table with 3 women asking me all kinds of questions. The kind of questions that go on an abnormal psychology final. For example: Give me a DSM level 4 disorder for an adult, their symptoms, how you would treat them, and how they would respond. Then they gave me a blank peice of paper and said “you just had your first session with him or her. now write a progress note” This continued for 2 hours!! it was nerve racking but so exciting. If I get this job then I will start off getting paid 17 an hour and get gas reimbursement. I will manage case loads of mentally ill clients and oversee their treatment and report their progress or lack their of. Talk about utilizing my skills. I am so scared I won’t get it. I am just really in love with the job and want it so badly. It would be perfect for me! and talk about a resume booster. Its gonna look kick ass in 5 years when I am applying at a practice and hand over my resume. I have been praying and praying I get it.
phew! that being said I have been doing much better emotionally. Things have been great at the apartment between my guy and me mostly because I have finally made peace with the fact that we are just on different paths and when this lease is up I will be moving on and getting my independance back. So there haven’t been the little fights here and there because why put in the effort ya know? I am just enjoying my time with my lover and friend while I have it and letting it go slowly but surely as we speak. Things are moving along swimmingly. I am finding peace and happiness in myself and not in him which is what is important. I hung out with a new friend today. spend a lot of time outside with sophie. Just was with myself while he obsessivel tried to beat his video game 🙂 I am looking forward to the future. And I really hope I land this fucking jobbbbb! the end