The Hell that has been (yeah…I’m going for dramatic…)

But in all seriousness it has been a few days and what a few days it has been. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday have pleagued me with such horrible night terrors I have been afraid to go back to sleep. Literally one after one after one. It got to the point that I would make myself get up and take a bath or walk outside just so I was WIDE awake before I went back to bed and they would just come back at me with even more force. One morning I screamed so loudly my dog freaked out…my dog. Not to mention my boyfriend who has been waking me up as I have instructed him to do before the worst of the dream rears its ugly head. Unfortunately the dream in most cases has already done its psychological damage. I can typically put up with a few poor nights sleep but poor, shitty, horrible, all understatements. I feel as though I have been being tortured by the sand man. so factory in the torturous sleep and already being on the border of a diagnosis for PMDD (just plug it in to google I don’t feel like explaining) and missing one does of my medication I had what can only be described as a psychotic break. After fighting with the boy I locked myself in my room sobbing, put my ear plugs in and a pillow over my head in an attempt to calm down and what does the mother fucker do…..CUTS THE POWER TO MY ROOM! now lets remember that I have had about 3 hours of sleep in 2 days, am about to be on the rag, and am already crushed and hurting from the fight so he decides because I want to go in my room and calm down with the door locked he would turn off the fucking power!  What ensued will forever be known in the apartment complex at greenbrier as the day that one sweet girl went absolutely insane. I was screaming, shaking, laughing, crying, screaming, throwing furnerature. I acted in a way I have never ever in my life acted before. I don’t know what went off inside of me be I literally Lost it! I should state a very important note: I have damn near NO memory of this event. I remember sitting on the floor playing with my craft string barely able to keep my eyes open. I remember tom apologizing and turning the power on, me going into my room getting on my bed and feeling euphorically exaughsted. Like after running a marathon. So exaughsted I couldn’t hold my eyes open. My body then decided it was very unhappy with this psychological decompensation and I started to vomit…profusely vomit and shake. I took some anxiety medication and laid in bed for a few hours before falling asleep. I woke up at  4 pm the next day. 

So what have we learned friends ? LAUREN NEEDS SLEEP, not just sleep, but nightmare free, no inturruptions, sleep. I typed a very brief version of what happened into google. Basically something like “extreme emotional outburst followed by memory loss and exaughstion”. over and over it sent me to “symptoms of extreme exaughstion” So yes I will speaking with the sandman tonight, I will be telling him that I must sleep and sleep well. I can manage some bad dreams, boogy man, running away from bad guys, etc… but NO MORE of  consecutive night terrors. no more. I just can’t handle it. Aside from the event I just spoke about I have also been sobbing every day multiple times a day since tuesday. God I pray this weekend is restful. 

In other news I have found two “grounders” for therapy. Both of which can double as “fidgets” some people shake their legs or tap their nails on the table. I like to fidget a soothing cloth inbetween my thumb and finger. What can I say its comforting 🙂 So that is why I have been gone for some time. I am back for now. 

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