itchin’ for a new start

Itchin’ for a new start but to much of a coward to go for it. I have bailed on two therapy sessions because I know we are going to start the memory work. It is terrifying. Like going in for a painful procedure at the doctor only with out the anesthesia. You would think I would be use to it all by now. I am not sure one can get use to telling a stranger your deepest darkest secrets. I want a change. Something serious. Cross country. Just for a while….not for ever…just a while.I wouldn’t mind giving California a try, San Fran…. anywhere new really. I even like the idea of D.C but hate being surrounded by polotics. Not only am I itching for something new but I am itching to do it alone. For all intents and purposes I have an incredibly sweet and loving boyfriend. He treats me wonderfully. My biggest complain about him is his complete lack of motivation that unfortunately has rubbed off on me. But when I am being honestly I just want to be living alone again so I can get into my semi-autistic routine. 

I am also seeking a new start in another area of my life….medication. I wish so badly I had the funds to check into a facility in which I could get completely off all my medication and see what I am like with out it. I have no idea how the real me is. I have been on psychotropic medication for depression and anxiety since I was 16. I am 23 about to turn 24. I would love to know what I am like with out it all. To be free of my dependance on benzodiazapines. I need to have them to do anything or i am so overwhelmed by physiolocial anxiety I cant stand it and I know for a fact it is because I am dependent on the medication. I just wish I could go back to when I only took it when I had a panic attack and not to treat my constant anxiety. I just want to know what I am like but only in a safe enviornment. Unfortunately that isn’t really an option for me right now. I have to be up at 6:30 for work and I can’t shut my mind off. There is so much opportunity out there and I want to take it. I know that my problems will not simply go away with the change in atmosphere but i do know that many of the contributing factors would be gone. I wouldn’t be around a constant bad influence who i just so happen to love. I would have friends again. A social life. I can get there while I am stuck here. I am just itching to feel freedom on a new level. An independent level. This past year after losing my job I have had to rely so much on family for finances and medication for relief. I finally got myself a steady job and all I plan to do is save what doesn’t got to rent so that I can buy a new car. My current vehicle is a gas guzzling 2000 tahoe that has over 400,000 miles on it. I am incredibly thankful to have it but it isnt relyable any more. it is always having some type of issue with it. I am so thankful to be able to have things I do but I want a change. I want a complete change of scenery, people, schedule. I want healthy. I am not quite sure what that means for me but it doesn’t mean this. I am taking steps to get there but as veruca salt from willy wonka says “I WANT IT NOW!” 

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