Jenks

I feel envious of those who get to pursue their dreams with the help of a tv show or someone who happens to be rich taking interest. I have been feeling incredibly introspective about my future and current situation. I spend so much of my time fantasizing about where I will be when this part of my life is over. I think of all I will be leaving behind, who I will be leaving behind, and what that will mean for me. I have come to realize that I have become so dependent on a specific person that I have lost one of the main characteristics about who I am as a person that I love. I am independent by nature. A loner if you will. I can remember being in high school and trying so hard to connect with people my age only to fail miserably, lacking the same interests, hating the social scene. I always ended up hanging out with adults. Finding comfort and frienship in those much older than myself. Maybe it is because I was an only child. I never minded being alone. Driving for hours or being in my room evening after evening. There was even a time during my senior year in which I stayed almost completely alone for an entire summer. My mother had gone to northern virginia to be with my father and I always had the opportunity to go with her but I chose to stay. I liked being alone. Going to walmart at 3 am with a few “friends” to ride the electric wheel chairs and then head over to waffel house to smoke and have pie until the sun rose. I really was ok spending my time with just me and now ironically I have become completely dependent on someone else; emotionally, financially, mentally. I have been thinking about what I want out of life. What do I want to do, if I had all the means I needed what exactly would I do? 

I would inspire. I would find some way to inspire others. To help them. It’s funny…. the people I couldn’t stand in highschool, my peers, are now, as an adult, the very people I want more than anything to effect. To move, help, be with. I am at an age that is so wonderful. I can essentially be what ever I want to be. If I want to have piercings in my face and wear tattered spand- x and flannel I can. If I want to stay up all night and sleep all day I can. But I can also do other much bigger things. If I want to, really want to I can go any where, be anything I want. There are people my age leaving everything they know behind to pursue their dreams. People who are driven to have the life they want and driven not to let anything get in their way. “What would you do Lauren, If you didn’t constantly ruin the successes in your life?” 

“I would be amazing Dr. Rex…”

“Yes you would Lauren, you really would. So what are you so afraid of?”

“Becoming amazing and losing it all.”

That conversation ressonates with me now. What am I good at? and what could I become Amazing at?  I am good at caring, I am good at listening, I am good at loving. I am good at inspiring others. I am good at fighting…I don’t mean verbally or physically. I mean emotionally. I am good at overcoming. I am also good at falling. At ruining everything I have worked so hard to accomplish. So what would I do if I had the means…I know myself and I wouldn’t be happy sitting in a chair listening to someone’s problems being just some therapist… I want more. I want to be THE therapist…The therapist on the forefront of a new technique. A study. I want to add to the DSM. I could do it you know? I really could. I just, I always fuck it up. I will get into school and lose motivation. I will stop going. Start failing. Start hating myself again. I need to find something I am passionate about. Something that I will never give up on and something that I would be willing to risk everything for. Then I would be amazing because I wouldn’t stop until I did it. I just wish I knew what that was….

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