So, my new adult job starts on Monday. I am so hugely and wonderfully excited but sooo nervous and scared. I mean dear lord the list of “responsibilities” is damn near 2 pages long! I know I can do this…but I am terrified. That is an understatement. Just to give you a little glimpse of my neurotic anxiety about this position I have been practicing none other than…you guess it! SPELLING. I am a horrid speller and a huge part of my job is writing out treatment plans and progress notes. It was the only part during the interview I felt concerned about. I don’t want to hand in a progress note on a client with a simple word like “disheveled” misspelled. (and yes I could not spell that word until a couple days ago.) I am just so afraid I will fuck something up. I mean I know I am going to make mistakes but I mean fuck up on a deeper level. Like, what if I subconsciously ruin this for myself. This is real people…There is so much joy in getting this job but they kinda don’t tell you about the terror of your first adult job. I mean, I have worked at a proper job before. I was a Mental Health Tech at a psychiatric facility for a year. And that was a real job but this….this is salary, bonus’, benefits, independent living kinda job. I have never gotten a job and then had to wait to start. It’s always been OK thanks for interviewing on Thursday we will see you Monday. This was “thanks for interviewing, you will start two weeks from today” I have enjoyed my two weeks but now that it is coming to a close It is all sinking in. Business clothes, women’s suits and heels and make up and my own desk….whoa. I am determined to do well at this job. It’s just that it means so much you know. This job means freedom to me. It means being able to support myself without the assistance of others. It means being able to lease a car, pay of debts, and do what so many people in my life have said I am meant to do. This, my friends, means life. I’m ready for it….really I am. But one can be ready and terrified at the same time ya know….and I am.
At the same time I am incredibly burdened by my significant other. He really is doing absolutely nothing with his life. He is wasting away. I want so badly for him to find another job he loved like he loved the last one and be happy. I want that for him because he has so much to offer. I feel sorry for him and I typically do not because we all make our own choices. I am just so sad for him, for his life. I know what it is like to be him and have been him so long and now that I have this drive to be productive I want him to have it. I want him to have the opportunities I have. I feel so lucky to have the opportunities I do because I haven’t even finished my bachelor’s degree yet. And he has. He could be doing all the things I am doing but getting paid more. yet he can’t get out of bed to do them… I am truly saddened by this. I love him so much. And he has been good to me and patient with me when I have fallen into the familiar bed of 18 hour sleeping days and insomnia at night. depression and anxiety. But something has got to give for us to continue being connected. Because I am moving forward and not looking back.