I guess I’ll just wake up tomorrow

It’s been some time since I’ve been around. I haven’t any good reason. Just laziness I suppose. My new job is going splendidly. But I’m writing about something a bit darker tonight. You see, I have always been able to self assess. To think to myself man I don’t feel so good, wonder whats bothering me? ah! yes that is it! now I will do some CBT on myself and on we go…. But lately that hasn’t been the case. I seem blocked…blocked from myself. It’s a strange concept for me to wrap my head around. I can self diagnose and treat in a heartbeat. Hell, it’s what all that money for therapy went toward. But the past few weeks something has been on my mind. Something incredibly detrimental to my emotional well-being and career. It literally penetrates ever facet of my life. Friends when I writer this the shame that spills forth is overwhelming but I am literally consumed from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed with one thing and one thing only…. Dilaudid. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it is a pain killer, better than morphine and It happens to be my drug of choice. It is the only one I will inject. And it’s all I think about. I sit here and I start to self assess. What is going on inside. Am I feeling stressed with work. With my relationship. Finances…. and I can’t come up with an answer. Sure there are little pressures here and there but nothing that would cause me to want to go back into that world. And I mean NOTHING. I have analyzed this thing forwards, backwards, and side to side. And I got nothin. So of course then my mind moves on to the treatment aspect of this…compulsion we will call it. Should I go to NA meetings… well last time I did that all I did was scope out the people who were there because the courts sent them and ask them for their source so that’s out. Do I turn to my friends…..? Well I haven’t got many of those that are close and what the hell would they say… “ummm don’t do it.” yeah no shit. Compulsion really is the perfect word for it. I don’t feel like it is just an urge. It feels like it is something that needs to be done. That must be done. That I won’t be able to take a deep breathe until it is done. Rational thinking goes out the door and it is all consuming….

But alas…here I am, fighting the good fight. Smiling and doing the best I can to coach others how to be sober, productive, independent. The ultimate hypocrite. It is no secret that when I write these posts the emo side of me comes out. Everything starts to sound like a depressed 15 year old version of myself. But if there is one thing I learned in therapy it’s that one should never EVER judge their feelings, or hold them back for fear of other people judging them. We have these feelings for a reason and keeping yourself from experiencing them will….well it will just fucking ruin you from the inside out. Authenticity my dear friends…that is key. and I mean authenticity with yourself. I haven’t the slightest clue where to go from here. I suppose all I can do is ride it like a wave, wait for it to pass….I guess I’ll just wake up tomorrow and see where I am. 

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2 thoughts on “I guess I’ll just wake up tomorrow

  1. You know what? I think the ending of this post shows just how healthily you’re dealing with this. Because as an addict, the only thing you CAN do is “see how you feel tomorrow”. Moment to anxiety-riddled moment, that’s the life of an addict. You know as well as I do that those moments add up, though. I could go on and on and on about losing your job, your relationships, your dignity, even your life… but I won’t tell you not to do it because we both know that it won’t stop you. Instead, I will tell you how much I love you, no matter what you do or don’t do. I will tell you how much you mean to me, and how no addiction could change that. And I will tell you that you’re brilliant… just because I can.

    • i love you so much my dear sister. those nights…. I don’t plan on doing it. I love my life right now and I know what is at stake. sometimes it just feels good to get it out there. to say hey, im really struggling with this. you are such an amazing person. I love you

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