It’s been some time since I’ve been around. I haven’t any good reason. Just laziness I suppose. My new job is going splendidly. But I’m writing about something a bit darker tonight. You see, I have always been able to self assess. To think to myself man I don’t feel so good, wonder whats bothering me? ah! yes that is it! now I will do some CBT on myself and on we go…. But lately that hasn’t been the case. I seem blocked…blocked from myself. It’s a strange concept for me to wrap my head around. I can self diagnose and treat in a heartbeat. Hell, it’s what all that money for therapy went toward. But the past few weeks something has been on my mind. Something incredibly detrimental to my emotional well-being and career. It literally penetrates ever facet of my life. Friends when I writer this the shame that spills forth is overwhelming but I am literally consumed from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed with one thing and one thing only…. Dilaudid. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it is a pain killer, better than morphine and It happens to be my drug of choice. It is the only one I will inject. And it’s all I think about. I sit here and I start to self assess. What is going on inside. Am I feeling stressed with work. With my relationship. Finances…. and I can’t come up with an answer. Sure there are little pressures here and there but nothing that would cause me to want to go back into that world. And I mean NOTHING. I have analyzed this thing forwards, backwards, and side to side. And I got nothin. So of course then my mind moves on to the treatment aspect of this…compulsion we will call it. Should I go to NA meetings… well last time I did that all I did was scope out the people who were there because the courts sent them and ask them for their source so that’s out. Do I turn to my friends…..? Well I haven’t got many of those that are close and what the hell would they say… “ummm don’t do it.” yeah no shit. Compulsion really is the perfect word for it. I don’t feel like it is just an urge. It feels like it is something that needs to be done. That must be done. That I won’t be able to take a deep breathe until it is done. Rational thinking goes out the door and it is all consuming….
But alas…here I am, fighting the good fight. Smiling and doing the best I can to coach others how to be sober, productive, independent. The ultimate hypocrite. It is no secret that when I write these posts the emo side of me comes out. Everything starts to sound like a depressed 15 year old version of myself. But if there is one thing I learned in therapy it’s that one should never EVER judge their feelings, or hold them back for fear of other people judging them. We have these feelings for a reason and keeping yourself from experiencing them will….well it will just fucking ruin you from the inside out. Authenticity my dear friends…that is key. and I mean authenticity with yourself. I haven’t the slightest clue where to go from here. I suppose all I can do is ride it like a wave, wait for it to pass….I guess I’ll just wake up tomorrow and see where I am.