I feel envious of those who get to pursue their dreams with the help of a tv show or someone who happens to be rich taking interest. I have been feeling incredibly introspective about my future and current situation. I spend so much of my time fantasizing about where I will be when this part of my life is over. I think of all I will be leaving behind, who I will be leaving behind, and what that will mean for me. I have come to realize that I have become so dependent on a specific person that I have lost one of the main characteristics about who I am as a person that I love. I am independent by nature. A loner if you will. I can remember being in high school and trying so hard to connect with people my age only to fail miserably, lacking the same interests, hating the social scene. I always ended up hanging out with adults. Finding comfort and frienship in those much older than myself. Maybe it is because I was an only child. I never minded being alone. Driving for hours or being in my room evening after evening. There was even a time during my senior year in which I stayed almost completely alone for an entire summer. My mother had gone to northern virginia to be with my father and I always had the opportunity to go with her but I chose to stay. I liked being alone. Going to walmart at 3 am with a few “friends” to ride the electric wheel chairs and then head over to waffel house to smoke and have pie until the sun rose. I really was ok spending my time with just me and now ironically I have become completely dependent on someone else; emotionally, financially, mentally. I have been thinking about what I want out of life. What do I want to do, if I had all the means I needed what exactly would I do?
I would inspire. I would find some way to inspire others. To help them. It’s funny…. the people I couldn’t stand in highschool, my peers, are now, as an adult, the very people I want more than anything to effect. To move, help, be with. I am at an age that is so wonderful. I can essentially be what ever I want to be. If I want to have piercings in my face and wear tattered spand- x and flannel I can. If I want to stay up all night and sleep all day I can. But I can also do other much bigger things. If I want to, really want to I can go any where, be anything I want. There are people my age leaving everything they know behind to pursue their dreams. People who are driven to have the life they want and driven not to let anything get in their way. “What would you do Lauren, If you didn’t constantly ruin the successes in your life?”
“I would be amazing Dr. Rex…”
“Yes you would Lauren, you really would. So what are you so afraid of?”
“Becoming amazing and losing it all.”
That conversation ressonates with me now. What am I good at? and what could I become Amazing at? I am good at caring, I am good at listening, I am good at loving. I am good at inspiring others. I am good at fighting…I don’t mean verbally or physically. I mean emotionally. I am good at overcoming. I am also good at falling. At ruining everything I have worked so hard to accomplish. So what would I do if I had the means…I know myself and I wouldn’t be happy sitting in a chair listening to someone’s problems being just some therapist… I want more. I want to be THE therapist…The therapist on the forefront of a new technique. A study. I want to add to the DSM. I could do it you know? I really could. I just, I always fuck it up. I will get into school and lose motivation. I will stop going. Start failing. Start hating myself again. I need to find something I am passionate about. Something that I will never give up on and something that I would be willing to risk everything for. Then I would be amazing because I wouldn’t stop until I did it. I just wish I knew what that was….
Itchin’ for a new start but to much of a coward to go for it. I have bailed on two therapy sessions because I know we are going to start the memory work. It is terrifying. Like going in for a painful procedure at the doctor only with out the anesthesia. You would think I would be use to it all by now. I am not sure one can get use to telling a stranger your deepest darkest secrets. I want a change. Something serious. Cross country. Just for a while….not for ever…just a while.I wouldn’t mind giving California a try, San Fran…. anywhere new really. I even like the idea of D.C but hate being surrounded by polotics. Not only am I itching for something new but I am itching to do it alone. For all intents and purposes I have an incredibly sweet and loving boyfriend. He treats me wonderfully. My biggest complain about him is his complete lack of motivation that unfortunately has rubbed off on me. But when I am being honestly I just want to be living alone again so I can get into my semi-autistic routine.
I am also seeking a new start in another area of my life….medication. I wish so badly I had the funds to check into a facility in which I could get completely off all my medication and see what I am like with out it. I have no idea how the real me is. I have been on psychotropic medication for depression and anxiety since I was 16. I am 23 about to turn 24. I would love to know what I am like with out it all. To be free of my dependance on benzodiazapines. I need to have them to do anything or i am so overwhelmed by physiolocial anxiety I cant stand it and I know for a fact it is because I am dependent on the medication. I just wish I could go back to when I only took it when I had a panic attack and not to treat my constant anxiety. I just want to know what I am like but only in a safe enviornment. Unfortunately that isn’t really an option for me right now. I have to be up at 6:30 for work and I can’t shut my mind off. There is so much opportunity out there and I want to take it. I know that my problems will not simply go away with the change in atmosphere but i do know that many of the contributing factors would be gone. I wouldn’t be around a constant bad influence who i just so happen to love. I would have friends again. A social life. I can get there while I am stuck here. I am just itching to feel freedom on a new level. An independent level. This past year after losing my job I have had to rely so much on family for finances and medication for relief. I finally got myself a steady job and all I plan to do is save what doesn’t got to rent so that I can buy a new car. My current vehicle is a gas guzzling 2000 tahoe that has over 400,000 miles on it. I am incredibly thankful to have it but it isnt relyable any more. it is always having some type of issue with it. I am so thankful to be able to have things I do but I want a change. I want a complete change of scenery, people, schedule. I want healthy. I am not quite sure what that means for me but it doesn’t mean this. I am taking steps to get there but as veruca salt from willy wonka says “I WANT IT NOW!”
But in all seriousness it has been a few days and what a few days it has been. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday have pleagued me with such horrible night terrors I have been afraid to go back to sleep. Literally one after one after one. It got to the point that I would make myself get up and take a bath or walk outside just so I was WIDE awake before I went back to bed and they would just come back at me with even more force. One morning I screamed so loudly my dog freaked out…my dog. Not to mention my boyfriend who has been waking me up as I have instructed him to do before the worst of the dream rears its ugly head. Unfortunately the dream in most cases has already done its psychological damage. I can typically put up with a few poor nights sleep but poor, shitty, horrible, all understatements. I feel as though I have been being tortured by the sand man. so factory in the torturous sleep and already being on the border of a diagnosis for PMDD (just plug it in to google I don’t feel like explaining) and missing one does of my medication I had what can only be described as a psychotic break. After fighting with the boy I locked myself in my room sobbing, put my ear plugs in and a pillow over my head in an attempt to calm down and what does the mother fucker do…..CUTS THE POWER TO MY ROOM! now lets remember that I have had about 3 hours of sleep in 2 days, am about to be on the rag, and am already crushed and hurting from the fight so he decides because I want to go in my room and calm down with the door locked he would turn off the fucking power! What ensued will forever be known in the apartment complex at greenbrier as the day that one sweet girl went absolutely insane. I was screaming, shaking, laughing, crying, screaming, throwing furnerature. I acted in a way I have never ever in my life acted before. I don’t know what went off inside of me be I literally Lost it! I should state a very important note: I have damn near NO memory of this event. I remember sitting on the floor playing with my craft string barely able to keep my eyes open. I remember tom apologizing and turning the power on, me going into my room getting on my bed and feeling euphorically exaughsted. Like after running a marathon. So exaughsted I couldn’t hold my eyes open. My body then decided it was very unhappy with this psychological decompensation and I started to vomit…profusely vomit and shake. I took some anxiety medication and laid in bed for a few hours before falling asleep. I woke up at 4 pm the next day.
So what have we learned friends ? LAUREN NEEDS SLEEP, not just sleep, but nightmare free, no inturruptions, sleep. I typed a very brief version of what happened into google. Basically something like “extreme emotional outburst followed by memory loss and exaughstion”. over and over it sent me to “symptoms of extreme exaughstion” So yes I will speaking with the sandman tonight, I will be telling him that I must sleep and sleep well. I can manage some bad dreams, boogy man, running away from bad guys, etc… but NO MORE of consecutive night terrors. no more. I just can’t handle it. Aside from the event I just spoke about I have also been sobbing every day multiple times a day since tuesday. God I pray this weekend is restful.
In other news I have found two “grounders” for therapy. Both of which can double as “fidgets” some people shake their legs or tap their nails on the table. I like to fidget a soothing cloth inbetween my thumb and finger. What can I say its comforting 🙂 So that is why I have been gone for some time. I am back for now.
Today marked the second session with ole Ray. What I am gathering from the way he speaks, the words he uses, the way he tries to build rapport is that he is old school. We are talkin ooooooold school. Today after reviewing my “safety plan” he asked me to bring with me on friday something that I can hold in my hands that will remind me that I am a 23 year old woman. Something to ground me should I get lost in the memories of the past. He was very reassuring in both a frightening way and a comforting way. He said “I am one of the best, I have been doing this for 30 plus years and you are going to remember things that you have not remembered before, things that will cause to regress severely (scary part) but if something happens and you need more time to come back to the present, to get your bearings that next client I have waiting outside is being sent home. You will have all the time you need and if you trust me you will get what you are looking for (comforting part). So here we go….what did I get myself into, I signed up to do trauma work and memory recovery with one of the worlds best. Holy shit….Before I left he told me I needed to agree to one more thing. He asked me how I dealt with anger. If I went into fits of rage….well I mean sure what pms’ing girl hasn’t gone a little loco on their significant other over something rediculously petty, but on the whole I deal with anger pretty well…you know like a southern bell…nicccce and passively 🙂 He said “I don’t hurt you, you don’t hurt me, or my office are we clear?” My immediate response was…”your office? why on earth would I hurt your office?” he went on to tell me that some patients while experiencing a flash back punch holes in the walls. I though good lord man you need some more pillows in this joint. And that was it, that was the contract. “I don’t hurt you, you don’t hurt me, or my office.”
I am still trying to come up with my grounding piece. The thing I am suppose to bring to each session. It is suppose to be comforting and remind me who I am now, as an adult. I haven’t the slightest clue. I’m thinking my school ID or a picture of some sorts but if im in the throws of a flashback I doubt a fucking picture is really gonna bring me on back. So I am not sure. I am up for suggestions though??
Today was a fantastic day to be outside. I went to Aladin’s our local hookah place and sat outside in the sun and enjoyed fresh peach sheeshah and iced tea. I even ventured to take my sweater off and actually got a couple tan lines. After that voldy and I went to the dollar store and loaded up on candy. 🙂 It was cheap and put a huge smile on my face in spite of the stomach ache later.
Rule Number 2 for combatting depression:
TREAT YOURSELF… seriously, even if it is just dollar store candy, give yourself something fun. something you loved when you were younger, something that puts a smile on your face. For some people that is a coke slurpee from 7 Eleven. For others it is 30 minutes of cell phone, computer, and communication absitinance. And some it’s that shirt you’ve been eyeing, some earrings. New headphones. If you are short on cash hit up stores like Five Below, or The Dollar General. No matter what it is…do something nice for YOU. You are worth it 🙂
On a Sidnote: I’ve been a bit bummed about my sleeping med situation. I’ve got to take a shit ton of extras to get me down, and by extras I mean bynadryll, melatonin, chamomile, etc.. and still I’ve been riddled with anxiety. Each night it is the same drill even if I have had a wonderful day. Tomorrow I start the trauma work with Mr. Rogers. I am excited to get it going but pretty anxious and scared about it. It is going to get intense. I will certainly keep you up dated. Keep it real friends!
Today started roughly, family drama….I am sure everyone can relate to that. But I said my 1 thousands “sorrys” and made it through. I started my new job today which was really exciting. I am working with a 20 year old girl with Jacobsen Syndrome. You can learn about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacobsen_syndrome
She took a while to warm up to me but once she did it was Jonas Brothers this…and Big Time Rush that… It was a lot of fun. She functions at about the elementary school level. I am just so happy to be working again. The only down side is it is an hour commute on a good day : / so needless to say I have still be applying at places locally.
Here in VA it was beautiful out. I took soph out for a walk in downtown and enjoyed the sun on my face.
Rule Number 1 to combatting depression and anxiety
– GET OUTSIDE….seriously, the sun does wonders for all those happy chemicals in your head. And you never know what adventure you could find yourself in. I wound up sitting in the sun outside of a coffee shop talking to a guy and gal my age from New England about how much we loved our Septum piercings… It’s the little things guys… Its all about the MOVEMENT. No one says you have to run a marathon or even a mile, believe me I know how hard it can seem just to get out of bed some days but get outside if you can. Let yourself feel the breeze in your hair, the sun on your face, smell spring coming along, smile at strangers, and before you know it you feel a little better yourself. I hope you guys find that tidbit helpful and encouraging. Tomorrow it is suppose to be 70 here. I am looking forward to a repeat. 🙂
I met my new therapist today. Dr. Ray. My stomach was so full of butterflies. He was nice enough. All I kept thinking was how much do I want to let you in? I don’t know if you guys have ever been to a therapist before but it all starts out the same. They get a background or in most cases a “timeline” of your life. It is just a sophisticated way to gain a cheat sheet of names, dates, and places in the patient’s life. Luckily I came prepared with one already made. So there! I know the drill.
* just a bit of background information : I had what I believe to be the best therapist in all the land. He is phenomenal, but he no longer accepts my insurance. So I have racked up a bill of about 2,000 Dollars that I am paying off slowly. I wish I could keep working with him but it just isn’t an option right now. That is where Dr. Ray comes in. He is In Network and a cool 20 dollar co-pay. Not too shabby. Unfortunately he will always be compared (admittidly unfairly) to my old therapist.
So any who, he was nice enough and we are to begin work next Tuesday but only after I complete a “safety plan” something I taught and had so many patients do when I worked at the hospital. He specializes in Trauma and PTSD work. In simple terms, he specializes in hearing harrowing stories of abuse, accidents, war, and helps people get over them. I couldn’t help but notice a slight tremor in his hands. Often a sign of medication, Lithium is the most common culprit of the unwanted tremor.They say the crazy ones make the best ones. He is a grey haired man with a soft voice. sort of like this guy :
It was a challenging day today. Emotionally exaughsting.I battled with constant negative self talk and self hatred, damn near constant. When I got home I crashed on the couch and it felt soooo good. Tomorrow brings a looooong day. I have to get up around 7ish to get to the DMV early and get the car registered and then off to meet the special needs girl I will be working for. That’s about all for this evenings post.